Enhance Your Identity When Caregiving – Grow Stronger, Not Embittered

People in our society have much to say about identity. We might state, “I identify as this type of person” or “I am having an identity crisis.”

When I think about my identity there are certain inherent characteristics, part of my DNA. I am a woman, Caucasian, I have slightly curly hair. I also developed traits in my identity by being a daughter, wife, mother, employee, and volunteer. There is another role deeply affecting my identity, being a caregiver.

Our identity as a caregiver may conflict with our traditional self-view. It was a long road taking the car keys away from dad when he had progressive dementia. He needed help with money, planning, and medical appointments. I had never been that daughter who argued with my dad over his personal business. Was I becoming the “parent?” Dad certainly did not want his four daughters telling him what to do! My identity as a daughter was in crisis.

My mom was the one who hosted big holiday dinners, made sandwiches in the form of diplomas and hats for graduation parties, and created colorful mints for showers or weddings. She had a minor stroke at 59, and other health issues followed. Soon my sisters and I found ourselves hosting the big holidays. I make a tasty Thanksgiving dinner, but I cannot match my mom in creativity. Another identity disconnect.

Were these easy transitions? Absolutely not. I cried. I was angry. I wanted to give up. It can be easy to become resentful.

What is a caregiver to do? While our basic traits remain the same, caregiving can leave us resentful, angry, and bitter. Based on experience and learning about caregiving, I offer ideas on how to get stronger in mind, body, and spirit – not embittered.

First, it is important to be flexible.

Maintaining a rigid ideology of our relationship with our care recipient can cause conflict. Yes, change is hard. It is painful to witness a loved one decline. In my book Dancing with Lewy, A Father Daughter Dance Before and After Lewy Body Dementia Came to Live with Us, I share how I struggled with family roles, and our coping with Dad’s dementia. In my books, and at my website I share caregiving resources. The more we understand, the more flexible we can be as we develop empathy for our care recipient, and the better we can maintain our emotions, reactions, and physical health.

Second, caregivers need to enlist help.

Do not be that stubborn person who will not let anyone else in. Why not accept an offer of running errands from a neighbor? When mom had surgery, we ordered Meals on Wheels as she recovered. And even though my mother was skeptical (to put it mildly,) we hired a housekeeper to help with household chores.

When our dad needed 24-hour care we anguished over the situation as no family member could care for him at home. We moved him into a nursing home. I could have internalized this into my identity as not being a “good” daughter. But I knew in my heart he would be safer with constant nursing care. He needed more help, and we accepted it, even with tears in our eyes.

Third, we may need outside assistance to cope.

Coping with dad’s dementia was difficult. My mom and I went to a caregiver’s group where we discovered how others dealt with the heartbreak of dementia.

Have you considered professional help? After mom died and dad’s dementia worsened I sought medical care, and was prescribed anti-depressants. Counseling can help sort out feelings. There is no shame in taking care of our mental health.

Conclusion

There is nobility in caring, we can grow emotionally and become more mindful. How about learning to be flexible, enlist help, and take care of our own health? I doubt most care recipients would want the caregiver to be run-down, friendless, and angry after they pass away. Be conscious of the choices made while caregiving.

We were born with certain traits in our identity. Other traits we choose, or they develop with time. It is critical for a caregiver to consider how attitude and actions affect one’s identity. Pay attention – grow stronger, not embittered.